Lies

They get easier,
these lies about my life.
With each

I lie to myself
to fool myself
to believe in myself
to avoid my true self

A tortured, scared
little boy afraid of the world
and wanting to be cared
for by some nice boy or girl
and waiting for this rare
gift to suddenly appear
out of some magic lair
that holds it so very dear
inside its black hole of a place
where there is no memory
of a lover's broken face
or of that of the empowered enemy
who tore apart my soul
within this painful recollection
of a time before he took hold
and everything was an image of perfection.

I lie to the ones who bore me
because I can't let them know me
Because who I am and what they see
are two opposites never meant to be.

I'm not what you wanted
Not your perfect little son
Who made the grades
and never had any fun.
I am not this innocent little boy.
I am not your eager little toy.
I am not your
rag doll, throw-around, play with me,
little insignificant ball of clay
so you can mold me in that special way.
I am my own stone figure
that gotten much bigger
than you and your tiny homestead lifestyle
out in the middle of this desert
halfway between civilization and ruin:
nowhere good to be!

But I will not lie to them
because I am friends with them
And everything I know, I tell them
Because they're NOT with me 'til the end.

There is safety in a friendship
that may last one more day
because things don't go the right way.
There is safety in a quick trip
down a memory that no one else knows
and where no one else goes
because it's that one quick dip
into the most important part of past
the most influentual moment cast
in my mind
and shared with those
left behind,
who never were close
enough to be permanent
in my life.

I lie to myself
to save myself
I lie to those who bore
To save them from more
But I never lie to a friend
cause they're not with me in the end.

Truth builds the bridges I will burn
when I'm on the other side.