Stuck

It's a good thing I'm leaving
because this place is driving me mad
With its insane notions
of what is good and what is bad.

But here I am
stuck in the middle
of being here
and being there
and in this perpetual state
of denying anything here
so I CAN and WILL go there.

August 23 is a deadline
by which my life must end by
and begin again after that day
but until then I'm stuck
in the limbo, the purgatory
waiting for heaven
and hoping to avoid these flames
all the while suffering the solitude
that goes onto to obliterate myself
in its vicious cycle of taunting and teasing
because I am alone.

Goodbye my hell.
Goodbye my heaven.
Hello purgatory
and the weightless waiting
in which I find myself
crying sometimes
and hoping the rest will go better
and someone will find me floating
in the limbo between here and there.

Until then,
all that remains
is me: stuck.

Just Fuck It

They sit at their table
with cigarette aglow
in the hands of one
too young to even know
how to ignite the flame
of passion that should burn
even into the darkest nights
of a relationship that's meant
to last into the end of time and beyond.

I laugh and pretend to care
about the one with the fag
as I long for the one with
the one with the fag.

Just fuck it, alright?
I scream inside
as they walk into the night:
another couple
I long to belong in
but find myself the third wheel.

Just fuck it,
I scream and look downtrodden
As I'm pushed out the door
And asked is everything alright.

Of course it is, just fuck it.

I wish I could see them,
the faces the make
As I walk away
down the cold lonely street
and pause to meet and greet
A slut and a girl I barely know
but somehow reads me quite fluently
as I look at him and smile
realizing he realized I existed.

Me.
Existing.
Just fuck it.

I walk away again
Walk away from him
Walk away from the hordes of hims
The unavailable, gay men.

Just fuck it.

Recession

My life is like the stock market:
hopelessly lost in the stir of New York,
I teeter on the edge of going under
all the while wishing for a peak
which I will never quite reach
because somehow there will always be
some greater height to reach
that is just out of reach
and so fucking hard to follow
because it goes up and down
so rapidly that I get lost in the blur
of faces and names that mean nothing
unless they crash like a meteorite
into the poor, pathetic negative
in which I currently reside.
My recession.